A song - need some music. For my dad and Mama-Hensen

I don’t want to seem rude
But I am in a crying mood
I don’t know what to say
Please do go away.

I am in a crying mood

The tears burn behind my eyes
I cannot cope with telling lies
I want you to come back
I want you to be un-dead

I am in a crying mood

I do go on and try
I don’t go around all the time and cry
But sometimes I miss you so
Why did you have to go - I feel so low

I am in a crying mood

Sometimes crying’s good
It lightens your mood
And life is lighter for it
At least for some time for a bit

I am in a crying mood

So actually I am wrong
Please stay, don’t go, give me a song
That I can sing
And hope to the world it will bring

I am in a crying mood
Crying mood
Mood

That is good.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT - for my father too

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

To my father

I am still angry that you left us, that you allowed death to take you. Even though our moments in the last few years of your life were so few. Moments, when you didn’t suffer so much that you could not talk. Moments that you enjoyed my company. I am angry at death and at the existence of cancer.

But I am also relieved, in my rational self, that you are not suffering any more, that you have freed us all from continuous fear of the worst to come, for it has come at last.

I put a tape on where you read a story for me, your voice is so strong, the story is a funny one and there is laughter in your voice. It was you as I remember you at your best. Full of humour, compassion, laughter and a love of life, learning, languages, food and good wine. A teacher always, but a student as well. Your intellect scared some, and delighted others.

You were there, always for me to talk to – however difficult the issues were. I love you for that. You were there to always walk with me up that hill/mountain, for you loved them as much as I did. We made up a new language together, when I was ill at home with a broken leg. I introduced you to StarTrek and you were brave enough to change you mind about SciFi. You welcomed my friends with open arms into your home. You played host to them and spend time with them. There are so many good memories; they far outweigh the few bad ones that exist between any father-daughter relationship. They are the memories that will now walk beside me as I go through life without you. I miss you so much and I will always miss you – but you are still alive in me, and those who knew you and even those who you only touched through your work. Goodbye father (tati) and friend.

In Memoriam

The mother of my best (soul-mate) friend has passed away. It was expected, but I had hoped that there would be a little bit more time for her and her daughter. Only 3 months ago we were at her house for St Nicholas. She was playing tennis on the new Wii, although very ill already. We were all laughing – giggling like small children, we stayed up late having a good time. That is and will be the last most recent memory of her for me. She was so brave, throughout her long-term illness. She had a zest for life and she knew how to laugh. Laughter with her is what I will remember most, as well as the feeling of cosiness when we – as children and later teenagers – would be at my friend’s house, drinking tea (hot chocolate) with cookies, chatting away. She also always had good advice on things, sometimes it was easer to talk to her than to my mum, because she wasn’t my mum. She was also the one who had the patience to teach me to ride a bike. Thank you.

B – You will always be in my mind, your laughing face, your understanding of silly jokes, your patience and kindness and your very brave fight and will to live.