Loosing a parent

It is just over a year since I last wrote. And a lot has happened, but the most difficult and traumatic is the death of my father on the 17th of January 2009.

Why am I writing about this? Because I searched the web so see if other people had the same emotional experiences as I did so far. But, although there is some information on children loosing a parent, there is nothing (or very little) on adults loosing a parent. So here goes, and this is just personal ramblings.

At first is a sense of shock, even if the news was not unexpected as in my case. Yet you never quite believe it is going to happen. In the immediate time after being told, my mind and body went into an adrenalin overdrive; sorting things out, letting other people know, getting tickets so I and other family could get to France in time for the funeral etc. Basically I was keeping my self busy and the first day I hardly cried.

The next day, I had some emotional relief when I listed to Mozart’s requiem. That set the sobs going. But that was all. The day after that (a Monday) I went to work, as I had to organize leave etc. Again I was doing things, and this type of avoidance continued right through to the funeral.

The funeral forced me to acknowledge the finality of what has occurred and allowed me to show some emotion. But then again I had to organise a few things for my mum, catch the plane back to the UK, etc kept me busy. When I got back I was kept busy with getting my flat ready for when my mum comes to visit me for longer periods of time. Again I was keeping myself busy – and I marvelled at how well I coped. Apart that is, from feeling really really tired. As well as the fact that my concentration on any one thing didn’t last long.

Now, just over 3 weeks after the death, I have nothing left to organise, there is quiet time, and the inner grieving is taking place. It hurts. I know I will not see my dad again, never speak to him, never hear him say how much he loves me; never have heated discussions with him. I keep wishing I had spent more time with him, embraced him more, and told him how much I love him. All these “I wish” now keep coming and it is difficult to keep tears away.

So, although initially you may think that you are okay – and that the grieving process is not as painful as others say. You may be mistaken, and like me the grieving may take place a bit later. I am sure it too will pass. And I am sure it is normal and I am not the only one feeling this way.

I hope these few lines may help someone who is also going or going to go through this process.